13 Business Lessons from House of Cards

Apply the rules below at your own discretion in the workplace. The author assumes no responsibility for the consequences, although he is 99% sure they will help you climb the corporate ladder faster.

House of Cards - Netflix.

House of Cards – Netflix.

1. There is no difference between business and politics. Corporations are like the National Congress.

2. Crush your opponents again and again  (competition or coworkers). And yet again. But if they survive, align with them.

3. Keep your self-control. No shouting matches are allowed in public. Keep a perpetual fake smile on your face no matter what. There is sex, drugs and cigarettes to drown your misery at night. Use them in moderation.

4. Get married and have a big family. There is no way a single, childless person can prove their love and care for the constituents (or customers).

5. Lie, lie, lie. And lie once more. Do not commit to anything as far as possible. Then tell the truth, when you are out of danger and no one expects you to: now you become a hero.

6. If you are writing  a contract or some other kind of written document: make sure you get legal advice to make the language as vague as possible to allow for leeway and future changes.

7. Distance yourself as much as you can from the weak and broken. Discard them.

8. Involve your security personnel as much as you can. Get close. Have sex with them and your spouse together to tighten the relationship.

9. Unlike the common thought, intelligent people understand that being gay is not a personal choice and they couldn’t care less about who people go to bed with. However, play to your audience’s tastes and ignorance. If they hate gays, you must hate them too. And mean it. Typical doublethink tactic from Orwell’s 1984: study it.

10. Give condoms as a gift to whoever is sleeping with your husband. You don’t want him to financially support the bastard.

11. Eat ribs at shoddy joints.

12. Play the feminist card whenever you run out of options. “It’s because I’m a woman, right?”

13. Have Robin Wright on your side and get her to love you.

Good luck

Jorge Sette

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